Early 2018 I started dating a boy I absolutely shouldn’t have. Every possible red flag was there but what can you do when that’s your favourite flag colour? 🤷🏼♀️ I fell for this joker like I’d never fell before. Rookie mistake.
Unsurprisingly it wasn’t a great relationship from the beginning. There were amazing times spent together but the secrets, the lies and the other girls destroyed any self esteem I’d had. No one in his life even knew I existed, which trust me makes ya feel pretty worthless.
The whole time we were seeing each other I knew that I needed out. Occasionally I’d gather the courage and call it quits. I’d try meet new guys to distract myself but that wouldn’t work out either so we’d always try again.
Beginning of July we had a proper sit down and a lot of truth came to the surface. This was the final nail in the coffin of any further relationship between us. The truth was definitely a hard pill to swallow and it only solidified my feelings of rejection.
Which hasn’t at all helped with being rejected by the five lucky lads I decided were eligible to go on dates with this year. At least two of the five were decent enough to make up excuses as to why they didn’t want to see me again. The others just seemed to forget I existed which is just super for my dating confidence. 🤷🏼♀️
It seems that no matter how many improvements I make in my life I’m still not good enough for any one. And finally I’m ok with that! As I said in my last blog I’ve already accepted the fact that I need to save my arse off cause I’ll be purchasing my first home alone. Last weekend I went and brought myself a whole lot of stuff to make my bed more comfortable. As I’ve finally accepted that Prince Charming with a comfy bed isn’t actually hiding around the corner.
I no longer feel the urge to constantly apologise for not ticking all the boxes on these guys checklists, when the only criteria on mine is to give me attention and the truth. The amount of times I have genuinely said “I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you” makes me sick because I believed I wasn’t. The thing is that I am enough. I have enough sparks to start a bush fire in the outback, I’m funny enough to have my own comedy show, and my face is just the exact same as the rest of my families. It’s no great secret that I’m sporting the famous Jackson nose. 😂
Its all good and well feeling positive about being single when I’ve had a productive day like today, but I know I will have hard days. Alcohol has never been a great one for my emotions, which is why I hardly drink anymore. No one wants to get on board that roller coaster. Especially when the only people I party with these days are my work mates or flatmates. People that I can’t avoid seeing again after causing a scene. So self care is going to be heavily implemented to keep myself preoccupied.
For the remaining 5 months of 2019 I’m focusing on myself. I’m not going to put myself in the firing line of being rejected by some boy that I probably wouldn’t like if I’d actually had the time to get to know them. Instead I’ll be giving myself the best life I can, taking the time to spend with friends and family, spending money on things I don’t need but just want, making plans for myself without needing to consult anyone first. I’m excited for what growth is in store for me in the years to follow.
Bring on 2020 so I can jump back on tinder 💁🏼♀️