Its no huge surprise to learn that I have gained 20kgs over the last three years. In fact people that have known me for less than 3 years struggle to imagine me ever being smaller. To them this is Shawny, this is how she always has and always will look. Between the ages of 20-22 I had shed and kept off the 20kgs and was in the best physical shape I could’ve been.
The last three years I’ve been half hardheartedly attempting to loose the extra kgs, and the only thing standing in my way has been me. When I was smaller I had no reason not to feel like a winner. I had a great body, a fantastic head of blonde hair and a tan to die for but I was still absolutely fucking miserable. This should have been my prime, I should’ve been able to find the best boyfriend imaginable.. However, there was no fairy tale ending for this princess.
I kissed more than my fair share of frogs looking for my prince in shinning armor yet all I found was toads. The first guy I tried dating was my flatmate, dam stupid idea wouldn’t recommend it to my worst enemy! He’d cheat on me every second night, sometimes with multiple people before making his way home to me, sometimes not coming home at all. This went on for far longer than I care to admit and eventually I got kicked out of that flat and decided that he was just a bad egg. He wasn’t a great person to use my new found confidence on, but it SURELY couldn’t get worse. Girl couldn’t have been wronger if I had actually tried.
The next guy told me that I made him want to kill himself after I asked if he would be able to help me move a couple of boxes to a new flat.. He dropped that bomb and blocked me. Nice one mate. Hit again to the confidence but surely you sometimes get two bad eggs in a carton and the rest will be perfect. DREAMS ARE FREE.
I started becoming nervous to meet new guys after this, so I would only go on tinder dates if I was drunk out of my tree. I’d just turned 21 so being drunk every weekend wasn’t an issue. The dates would go well and we’d date for five minutes before they’d all leave me saying they actually weren’t ready for a relationship. Would have been easier to believe if the next person they all dated didn’t end up being their long term girlfriends.
This just solidified the fact that it didn’t matter how skinny I was, how many times a day I went to the gym, how little my portion sizes were, that I just wasn’t someone that guys wanted to date long term.
The only thing I had control of in my life was the food that I ate, and I decided to stop eating my perfectly portioned out meal preps and turn to icecream and chocolate and copious amounts of RTD’s. Somewhere in this downward spiral I found an actual boyfriend. It wasn’t a healthy relationship, but I’ve thrown him under the bus enough since our breakup to divulge into details. I soon learnt that I really couldn’t control his actions and choices which again lead me to eat more. My gym membership lapsed, I no longer meal prepped, I had turned solely to processed food. This was my choice and no one could change my mind.
The weight absolutely pilled on, in no time at all I was back at my starting weight that I’d been at 18. This was the age that I had last been in a relationship with someone that genuinely cared about me. He cared a little too much and little old wild me wasn’t ready to be tamed at 18 so we went our separate ways.
Which lead me to the football fanatic that first sparked the weight loss adventure. It didn’t begin from a healthy place. He loved fitness and looked like he’d stepped out of the pages of a fitness magazine. I never felt attractive enough to be around him, and obviously without a heck tonne of money, I actually can’t change my face. So I joined a gym and got skinnier. Turns out this wasn’t enough for him as he’d been sleeping with half the girls in Christchurch behind my back anyway. The joys of dating huh?
Skinny or overweight, I’ve still been getting played, cheated on and lied to. For some of the guys I’m sure the fact that I was a little cuddly round the edges was an issue for them. But for the ones I dated when I was skinnier, they didn’t have that same excuse. They chose to cut me out of their lives because they didn’t like who I was as a person. It wasn’t my weight they cared about when they were lieing to my face. And that has been an incredibly hard pill to swallow.
I’ve kept the extra weight on because I need it as a blanket of protection. My whole life I have been trying my absolute hardest to be a person that people want to be friends with, a person that people enjoy spending time with, a person that is loved. That hasn’t worked out for me so far, so I don’t loose the weight because I don’t want people to look at me anymore. I don’t want to meet new guys just to have them break my heart again. I want people to write me off because of how much I weigh rather than because they think I’m not worth their.
As soon as I start seeing results from the gym or my weight going down on the scales I indulge in food. I eat in secret so that I still maintain my weight but can still put on the act that I don’t know why I’m still getting heavier.
I’m holding myself accountable this time. No more feeling sorry for myself for dating only idiots for the last 5-7 years. My true friends and family will support me no matter what bloody dress size I wear. This time my weight loss will be for me and only me. Not to try and find a boyfriend. I’ve already resigned to the fact that I’ll be buying my first house alone, and I sure as hell don’t need no man to do so.