I F*cked Up.

Last night I broke my own heart into a million tiny pieces. I did something I knew I should not have done, I read Pearse’s facebook messages. He had left it logged on before we broke up and I couldn’t bring myself to log him out. I’d justified reading his messages, because if anyone were to read mine they wouldn’t find anything of interest. In no way am I saying what I did was acceptable, I fucked up. All I had wanted to know was if he was hurting from the break up as much as I was.

Since we broke up I have been drinking myself to sleep most nights, there are parklane cans and vodka bottles scattered throughout the house. Which is horrendously ironic seeing as his drinking was a huge contributing factor to our break up. Alcohol just seems to numb the pain and keep the tears in. The hangovers just blend into the heart ache, exhaustion and this cold I’m fighting off.

Despite how messed up my head is, I’ve managed to put on a brave face when I’ve needed to. Until Monday at work. Everyone was so worried as I wasn’t walking around like I own the show laughing every two minutes. All I wanted to do was go home and have vodka and uber eats. Last night I cracked a little more and went on a snapchat rampage.

I left Pearse because I never felt good enough for him, I could never give him enough. I wanted him to find someone that he loved more than anything in the world. It just sucked knowing that it wasn’t me. He really wasn’t coming back this time. Six weeks ago I thought this was the guy I was going to buy a house with, marry and have children with. Reality sucks, my heart is broken.

Last night I wanted to write a blog exposing all his wrong doings over the last 14 months we were together. I wanted him to hurt like I have been hurting, I wanted his friends to know that I wasn’t the bad person I had been made out to be, I wanted him to come back to me. Thank goodness my bestie intervened at the right time and took me for a drive to the beach as a distraction.

He has moved on, and that’s fine. I broke up with him and made him move out of our flat, so this is what I deserve. If he’s happy, I’m happy for him.

I don’t plan on dating again anytime soon. 2018 is going to be the year to focus on myself. I’m going to get my physical and emotional health back on track, get some sort of a social life, save loads of money, and go have mad benders in Auz with the lads. I will try and keep the single Shawny antics to a minimum, but who knows what this new year holds.

#newyearnewandimprovedme

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